When “Neutral” Isn’t Enough: Why Your Couples Therapy Failed

Secrets from a Divorce Mediator

*the names and case details were changed and are used for illustrative purposes only.

Most couples don’t end up separating because they stopped loving each other.

After hundreds of hours in the mediation room, one truth stands out: most couples don’t end up separating because they stopped loving each other. They separate because they don’t understand each other and don't know how to understand each other. And ironically, many leave therapy feeling less understood than when they began.

At RESCET™, we often meet couples fresh from failed therapy: confused, exhausted, and devastated all those hours of talking didn’t work. Here’s where things often go wrong:

Many therapists believe that a therapist must be neutral. But neutrality at all costs can strangle progress.

When Neutrality Becomes Avoidance

Therapist and researcher William Doherty (2002) called this the “myth of therapist neutrality.” He warned that staying neutral at all costs prevents therapists from naming harmful dynamics or encouraging accountability. This was the case for Joe. Joe and his wife Vanessa tried couples therapy, but nothing worked. Joe wanted desperately to stay in the marriage but Vanessa was “done”. But even though he wanted to stay in the marriage, on the way to RESCET™, Vanessa mentioned her day at work and Joe became angry and yelled. When they showed up, Vanessa was fuming. “I have no idea why he’s like that. I don’t even know what makes him mad.” Joe fired back: ”Why are we talking about this? We’re supposed to have RESCET™ today.”

“Joe, you’re very eager for this to go well today, aren’t you?” “Of course, who wouldn’t be” Joe said. “Well, I think you’re anxious but you’re coming across as very angry and aggressive.”

Joe was shocked. Joe and Vanessa’s couple’s therapist was so neutral, he never thought to tell him that. Vanessa started laughing. She never attributed Joe's anger to anxiety. It simply never occurred to her. Their therapist’s neutrality made her feel invalidated. The therapist wouldn’t call Joe out but would minimize the behavior hoping Vanessa could get on board. But she was ready to jump ship. When we called Joe out, Vanessa felt seen. Once he got this feedback, Joe was grateful for the insight and determined to make some changes. He did, and they stayed together.

In therapy, neutrality is meant to protect clients from bias. But in practice, it often means not naming patterns that need transformation. Instead, the therapist restates each spouse’s position and nothing changes. When a professional avoids naming destructive patterns out of fear of “taking sides,” both clients are shortchanged, and progress stalls.

In truth, neutrality is about courage to name what the therapist or mediator sees. The courage to hold both partners accountable.

The Problem with “Validating Everything”

Therapists are rightly trained to validate emotion, but over-validation can unintentionally distort accountability. Research in Emotion-Focused Couple Therapy shows that emotions guide perception. When every emotion is treated as equally accurate, partners lose sight of behavioral impact. Joe was so caught up in his anxiety, he didn’t see himself. Vanessa had no idea Joe was acting out his anxiety because, like most partners, she (reasonably!) felt attacked and became defensive. 

In RESCET™, we take a different approach. We name what we see because we respect our clients enough to know they deserve to have insight if they choose to. Validation without awareness is indulgence and it ends marriages more than it heals them.

Couples therapy and family mediation share a core truth: all this talk must translate into behavioral change. Without a moral compass the process of bridging a gap becomes aimless.

We’ve seen couples leave therapy believing their relationship is “too complicated.” It rarely is. RESCET™ integrates emotional inquiry with concrete decision-making.

Secrets from the Mediation Room

Neutrality must give way into engaged impartiality. We don’t judge, but we don’t hide. We name destructive loops when we see them. We remind clients that feelings are real but not always reliable. And we hold both accountability and compassion in equal measure.

When mediators (or therapists) avoid discomfort, they miss the inflection point: the moment when the truth is uncovered and meets personal responsibility. Without the truth, no one can take responsibility and nothing is likely to change.

Why Your Therapist May Have Failed You

If your couples therapy felt “safe”, your therapist may have mistaken neutrality for professionalism. If you left couple's therapy thinking you're the "good guy (or gal)", again, your therapist may have mistaken neutrality for professionalism.

The good news? Relationships don’t have to fail because therapy did. A skilled mediator can still guide that learning, whether toward repair or respectful separation.

The RESCET™ Difference

At RESCET™, we approach mediation as relational transformation, not damage control. Our model, Relational Enquiry Synthesising Cross-disciplinary Expertise for Transformation, integrates insights from law, relational coaching, and systems theory. We help couples achieve clarity, accountability, and enforceable agreements.

References

Doherty, W. (2002). Bad couples therapy: How to avoid doing it. Psychotherapy Networker, 26–33. Available here

Mates-Youngman, K. (2014). Couples therapy workbook: 30 guided conversations to re-connect relationships. PESI Publishing & Media.

Şenol, A., Gürbüz, F., & Dost, M. T. (2023). Emotion-focused couple therapy: A review of theory and practice. Psikiyatride Guncel Yaklasimlar, 15(1), 146–160. https://doi.org/10.18863/pgy.1090793