Married a Narcissist? Are You Sure?

Divorce, or even the contemplation of it, is not a single event. There were usually warning signs, resentment that went unspoken, relentless criticism, stonewalling, decisions made unilaterally, power imbalance, dishonesty, betrayal, or intimacy that cooled over time.

The problems didn’t usually come out of nowhere; they accumulated, sometimes quietly, until the weight became intolerable.

When things fall apart, the search for meaning is instinctive. We want to understand what happened and why. And today, that search often leads us to short-form social media feeds.

Spend a few minutes online and you’ll find posts that seem to diagnose your partner for you. They seem to provide a clear answer to a complicated question: I’m not the problem! They are a (pathologically) bad person! But is it true?  

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is real, and some people truly are incapable of empathy or self-reflection without considerable professional help. But in truth the math doesn’t add up.

Studies estimate that roughly 4 percent of people meet the criteria for NPD. It’s now so common to think your estranged spouse is a narcissist that it has become the norm, not the exception. The accusation is often bilateral.

The recent explosion of online content about “narcissists” has reshaped how many people interpret relationship distress. Platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube use engagement-based recommendation systems. These systems record every second a viewer spends on a post. The algorithm identifies attention, assumes preference, and delivers more of the same.

This process repeats continually. Each interaction refines the algorithm’s prediction of what will hold attention. Catchiness and novelty drive engagement, so content that provokes rapid attention or strong reactions tends to be prioritized in user feeds. Over time, the user’s feed becomes intellectually homogenous space optimized for stimulation disguised as accuracy.

The Feedback Loop.

In the context of relational conflict, a person who searches for or encounters information about frustration or misunderstanding within a marriage soon stumbles upon escalating material about “toxic relationships” and “narcissistic abuse.” Exposure reinforces attention, which reinforces exposure.

Most of this material is not produced by clinicians. Many creators are lay commentators drawing from personal experience, and some licensed professionals have adapted their communication style to platform algorithms, prioritizing brevity and sensational framing to sustain engagement. The result is an abundance of content that feels diagnostic and affirming but lacks clinical validity.

It’s particularly easy for us to fall into the trap that our partner is a narcissist because… their actions often make it easy. Everyone behaves in ways that are narcissistic sometimes, especially when we’re scared or stressed. In other words “hurt people hurt people” and it isn’t pretty. Defensive withdrawal, self-justification, sneaky behavior or selective empathy are common stress responses. When relationships deteriorate, both partners tend to behave in ways that prioritize self-protection over cooperation. For the perpetrator, these behaviors feel necessary and justified; from the outside, they often appear manipulative, controlling or cruel. Each partner’s defensive strategy reinforces the other’s perception of threat and, once in the echo chamber, their conviction that they are, in fact, a narcissist. The focus on labels replaces curiosity.

Another reason the label “narcissist” is appealing is that it removes personal accountability. If the partner is the problem, there is no need to examine one’s own behavior or mistakes.

In high-stakes contexts such as divorce, acknowledging one’s role in the deterioration of the relationship can be painful and almost intolerable. If a partner is viewed as a narcissist, nothing we might have done would have made a difference, which means it isn’t our fault. The price we and our children pay for that absolution is that the relationship must end.

While many family ruptures are justified, others reflect a cultural climate that equates emotional upset with abusive harm. This tendency to label further thrives in a culture that increasingly prizes autonomy. Contemporary therapeutic and social rhetoric often emphasizes self-imposed "boundaries", and cutoff of relationships or individuals labeled as "toxic". The language of self-protection has become moralized. Tolerance, compromise, and the messy work of family systems are often recast as self-betrayal. The pendulum has swung far.

The result is visible, even outside of the divorce context, in the rising frequency of family estrangement, particularly between adult children and parents. The trends are not entirely unrelated, though, as divorce makes parental estrangement statistically more likely.

Therapists who fail to interrogate these trends too often reinforce the client’s narrative rather than help the client in cultivating empathy or accountability. In doing so, the profession unintentionally contributes to a societal drift away from repair, interdependence, and the capacity to resolve conflict and love through difficulties.

At RESCET™, work with couples frequently involves examining these imported narratives. The purpose is not to excuse harmful behavior but to understand it within a system that includes both partners, stress, and context. Most couples eventually recognize that interpersonal harm arises from interactional patterns, not fixed traits. Genuine NPD exists, but it is rare.

Mislabeling, particularly when derived from social media, can obscure the possibility of repair or humane closure. When co-parenting follows, it often entrenches destructive patterns of mistrust and escalation that persist for years.

Book a confidential consultation to obtain a structured, evidence-based understanding of what is occurring in your relationship.